Harry Potter and the really long title!
by Liz Swarthy
Summary: the fic title is Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot! Harry sings& Draco wears a pink tutu! Ah, and... NEW CHAPPIES AND *REVISED* CHAP ONE!
1. Doggies and Teletubbies!

A/N: Ooh... Story... No plot. THIS STORY HAS NO PLOT! THIS STORY NEEDS NO PLOT! READ!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the plot.... nvm. And Iam especially glad that I do not own the Teletubies. ::whipes swaet from forehead:: I'd murder MYSELF if I did... ^_^ Ya'll know who owns all this. Enjoy, for I am making NO MONEY OF OF THIS! Nor do I have any.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy!  
  
Chapter One: Doggies and Teletubbies!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Daddy!" Draco sobbed. "Daddy, I thought you loved me!"  
  
"No!" Lucius said harshly.  
  
"But, you said!"  
  
"I never said that! It was the dog dressed up like me that said that!"  
  
"B-but, Daddy! We don't have a doggie!"  
  
"Yes we do!"  
  
"No we don't! You said we couldn't get one!" Draco bursts into a fresh wave of tears.  
  
"Oh, I guess you're right," Lucius said in an apologetic tone.  
  
"I hate you!" Draco cried.  
  
"I love you, too, son," Lucius replied, patting Draco on the head.  
  
(A/N: Ack! No! That's not how this story begins. :glares at muse, Sirius, who is responsible for this madness:)  
  
"Mummy," Draco pouted. "Mummy, Potter was teasing me again! So I zapped him! I zapped him in the bum!" Draco's eyes widen. "And he liked it! So I kicked him, in the bum!" Eyes get bigger. "And he liked that, too! But I didn't like it, Mummy. I didn't like it."  
  
(A/N: Nope, wrong again.)  
  
Harry Potter was your normal, average teenage boy. Nothing special about him! Nope! No, sir-ee Bob! Oh! Unless you count the fact that he can use magic (none too well, mind you) like a third of the world's population and he has a funny looking scar on his forehead. Yes, a scar. You heard right, diary! Just a silly, stupid old lightning bolt shaped scar. Oh, yeah, and his parents died saving his scrawny ass from some evil Dark Lord and he lives with Muggles! Gee! Maybe I should have someone kill my parents and I should go live with mean old relatives so I can become some famous so-and- so, too! I mean, I'm smarter, cooler, and better looking that he can ever hope to be, and yet no one even knows my name! It's pathetic! They follow that pathetic loser instead of me! It makes me so angry!  
  
Well, I've got to go, diary. Gotta go meet Harry down in the dungeons.  
  
Ron  
  
(A/N: Now, on to the story!)  
  
One day, Harry and Draco got into a fight. They punched each other's lights out and they both got amnesia and when they woke up, they were acting strangely.  
  
"Don't make me hurt you, Potter!" Harry hissed, standing menacingly over Draco.  
  
Draco cowered. "I-I'll take y-you d-d-down, m-Malfoy!" he stuttered.  
  
They fought again, punched each other's lights out again and when they woke up, they were back to normal again! Unless you count the fact that Harry would shout out, "Ding dong, the witch is dead! The wicked witch is dead!" every hour, on the hour.  
  
The day continued normally from then on. sort of. People quickly grew annoyed of Harry's outbursts, which he was completely unable to control. By the end of the day, he had lost 50 points from Gryffindor because Snape kept passing him in the halls at exactly the same time that he shouted out his little phase.  
  
It was almost seven o'clock when Harry started up to the Gryffindor Tower. Draco passed at exactly seven. Harry cried out, "Ding dong, the witch is dead! The wicked witch is dead!" Draco looked at his watch, frowned, and marched off, grumbling about his watch being slow.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next day wasn't any better for Harry. Instead of the phase he was shouting the day before, Harry was now singing:  
  
"We represent  
  
The Lollipop Guild!  
  
The Lollipop Guild!  
  
The Lollipop Gu-ild!  
  
We represent  
  
The Lollipop Guild  
  
And we welcome you to Munchkin Land!"  
  
Unfortunately, he had Snape that day and Snape hated music even more than he hated Harry.  
  
When Potions rolled around, Harry tried as hard as possible not to shout out, but his efforts we in vain. Come the first hour, he sang loudly in a high, squeaky voice:  
  
"We represent  
  
The Lollipop Guild!  
  
The Lollipop Guild!  
  
The Lollipop Gu-ild!  
  
We represent  
  
The Lollipop Guild  
  
And we welcome you to Munchkin Land!"  
  
Snape grew visibly angry and shouted out, "50 points from Gryffindor!" Draco sniggered and Snape, angry beyond any tiny shred of reason that he had, spun around. "Laugh again and I'll take 20 points from Slytherin!" he snapped. Draco looked at him in shock and amazement, and then his expression changed to one of anger. Snape sat down at his desk, breathing hard. "GET BACK TO WORK!" he shouted and everyone went back to the potions they were brewing.  
  
When class was dismissed, and Gryffindor had lost 50 more points and Harry had received a detention, he, Ron and Hermione were all surprised to see Draco come up to them without a look of malice in his eyes.  
  
"What do you want, Malfoy?" Ron snapped.  
  
"To get back at Snape," Draco said nonchalantly. "I don't like it when he gets cocky and I thought you'd want to get back at him as well."  
  
"You know just how 'cocky' he can be, don't you?" Hermione said, as if hinting to something and a sparkle of laughter in her eyes.  
  
Draco blushed. "That's beyond the point!" he said defensively. "Well, are you going to help or not?"  
  
"Might as well," Harry said, shrugging. "I mean, how often is it that the great Draco Malfoy offers his services?"  
  
"Right! Let's get to work!" Draco said cheerily.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next week, they had a plan. Of course, Harry was still shouting out new phases every day. Draco had even smacked him upside the head because he said it annoyed him to that point, though Harry thought he did it just to hit him. The day after the last mentioned, he cried out, "Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my!" The next day, "Oh my God, You killed Kenny!" The next, "You bastards!" Then:  
  
"Hey, ho, to town I go,  
  
To heal my heart and drown my woe!  
  
Rain may fall and wind may blow,  
  
But there still be  
  
Many miles to go.  
  
Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain  
  
And the stream that falls from hill to plain.  
  
Better than stream or rippling brook  
  
Is a mug of beer inside this Took!"  
  
Then, "Don't go there! Don't press that! Don't go ding dong, mother f*cker!" Then, "We have only three flavors of squishy. Cherry, Coke, and Cherry Coke! Thank you, steal again!" Then, "I resemble that remark!" and finally, for todays:  
  
"Jingle Bells,  
  
Gandalf smells,  
  
Gimli laid an egg!  
  
Aragorn lost his horn  
  
And Gollum plays crocket!"  
  
(A/N: Yes, I realize Aragorn never had a horn. But, he lost it years ago and Boromir found it and that's where Boromir got his horn! Yea!)  
  
The plan was simple. Get under Snape's skin and drive him insane, whatever the cost. So, dressed in tuxedos (Hermione in your classic tuxedo leotard with sparkly nylons) and top hats, the four entered the Potions room and got into a line and stood at parade rest with their heads down.  
  
After everyone had settled, the four began to tap dance and sing 'Dancing Queen'. Snape just got mad and shouted for 100 points to be taken from Gryffindor and 10 from Slytherin.  
  
The quartet left and returned half an hour later, Hermione, Draco and Ron dressed as little kid; Draco and Ron in green shirts and jean overalls and Hermione in a cute floral dress. Harry came in dressed as a giant purple and green dinosaur and he began to sing:  
  
"I love you,  
  
You love me,  
  
We're one happy family!"  
  
"150 points from Gryffindor and 30 from Slytherin, and be glad it isn't more, you little traitor!" Snape shouted. "And a weeks worth of detentions for the Gryffindors! For you, Draco, detention!"  
  
The quartet left again and went to some room in the dungeons. "What now?" Draco asked.  
  
"How should I know?" Harry snapped. "How did you come off only loosing 40 points and getting only one detention?"  
  
"Why are you asking me?" Draco asked. "I can't help it! He likes me!"  
  
"Yes, he 'likes' you," Hermione said, smiling.  
  
Draco blushed. "Shut up," he said defensively. Hermione was thrown into a fit of giggles. A light bulb suddenly appeared over Draco's head and turned itself on. "By George! I've got it!" he cried. The light bulb turned off and crashed to the floor as Draco walked forward to tell the others his brilliant plan.  
  
The quartet re-entered the Potions room, this time, dressed as: Harry-Tinky- Winky, Ron-Dipsy, Hermione-La-la, and Draco-Po! They sang the Teletubbie theme song and approached a very scarred Snape saying in high voices, "Big hug!" They all hugged Snape and he screamed like a little girl and ran from the room.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: Hope you liked! Review please! MORE COMING! :laughs insanely:  
  
Sirius: :in the corner, grinning so widely it looks as though his head will fall off!: 


	2. Pink Tutus and Time Warp Dancing Aliens

A/N: Hey all Lookie, the insanity continues! This is my New Year's gift to all the people that actually bothered to read this piece of crap and enjoied it! Thank you all for reviewing. ::starts pouting:: Of course, it's sad. I've gotten more reviews on the first chapter of this than I have on any of the chappies of my other stories. Are you people trying to tell me something? I really wish people would r&r my other fics.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or it's related characters or situations and such. We all know who does. :points to J.K. and Warner Bros. and Scholastic and all those other people who deserve credit (or think they do) too:: I also do not own the Rocky Horror Picture Show or South Park (of which there are references to in this), so don't sue! If you do, I've got a $25 Gift Certificate to Walden's Books and bus fare, but that's it.  
  
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Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy!  
  
Chapter Two: Pink Tutus and Time Warp Dancing Aliens!  
  
After the Teletubbie incident, Snape was meaner than ever. But anyway, Harry and Draco made a bet. Harry said the Chudley Cannons would win their next game and Draco overheard him and decided to have a bit of fun and bet Harry that the Chudley Cannons would loose. Harry accepted the bet. If Harry lost, then he would have to suck up to Snape for a week, hugging him at the begging and end of each day, and then, at the end of the week, he would have to kiss Snape (on the lips! ::kissing noises heard in the background:: AHA!) in front of the Great Hall during dinner. Fortunately, for Harry anyway, fate was on his side and the Cannons won. Now, for Draco's half of the bet. Draco came into the Great Hall the next morning after he had shaved his legs (A/N: smooth and no nicks!) wearing sparkly pink nylons, pink ballet slippers, a pink tutu, fairy wings and a tiara and shouted out, "I LOVE FLOWERS! SAVE THE WHALES!" He skipped to the head of the hall with a streamer trailing behind him. When he reached the head table, he hung the streamer around a very amused Dumbledore's neck. Then Draco skipped to the Slytherin table and calmly sat down as if nothing had happened.  
  
Harry walked over to where Draco was sitting and patted him on the head.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next day, Harry and Draco bet on the Cannons again. This time, Harry said they would loose and Draco said they would win. Harry's part of the bet remained the same. Draco's, on the other hand, got worse. And, of course, for some strange twisted reason that no one really knows, the Cannons lost.  
  
Draco hugged his robes close and marched up to the head of the hall to do his part of the bet, grumbling about it being sheer dumb luck. No one even noticed the clicking of a pair of sparkly high heels on his feet or the fact that he was an inch and a half taller. He turned around to face the hall, getting many questioning glances, and silently vowed that if he ever got the chance, he would tie Harry to a slab of stone with strips of wet leather, whip him, flick vinegar, lemon juice and salt onto his wounds, and the whip him again, and then more lemon juice..  
  
He started to sing.  
  
"How do you do, I See you've met my Faithful handyman. He's just a little brought down Because when you knocked He thought you were the candy man.  
  
Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book be its cover."  
  
He tore the robed off the reveal a corset, sparkly nylons and the sparkly heels. There were many gasps, many thoughts that Draco had finally gone insane, quite a few ooh's and aww's from both the boys and the girls, and one, rather loud, "By Merlin! Look at the butt! Tightness!" That was from Professor Flitwick. Draco ignored this and the singing continued.  
  
"I'm not much of a man by the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover.  
  
I'm a just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania.  
  
Let me show you around Maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual That's not too abysmal, We could take in an old Steve Reeves Movie.  
  
So you got caught with a flat, Well, how 'bout that? Well, babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a satanic mechanic.  
  
I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania.  
  
Why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite? I could show you my favorite obsession. I've been making a man With blond hair and a tan And he's good for relieving my... tension.  
  
I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania."  
  
The song ended. Draco knelt down, picked up his robes, threw them on to many 'no's' and walked from the hall as if nothing had happened. The only person that followed him was an unnoticed and very stunned Snape. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Snape followed Draco stealthily down the corridors until they ended up in a room in the dungeons. Draco quickly changed, give the peeping Snape some nice eye candy, (A/N: Damn. I wish I was there right now..) and then sat down on a couch near the left wall. Snape stepped into the room, still unnoticed. He cleared his throat. Draco jumped to his feet. "How long have you been standing there?" Draco asked angrily.  
  
"Long enough," Snape said calmly.  
  
"For what?" Draco asked angrily.  
  
"To see," Snape said calmly.  
  
"See what?" Draco asked angrily.  
  
"You," Snape said calmly.  
  
"Me?" Draco said angrily.  
  
"Yes," Snape said calmly.  
  
"Why?" Draco asked angrily.  
  
"Because, I wanted to," Snape said calmly.  
  
"Well, you can't do that! I'm a student damn it!" Draco said, stamping his foot down.  
  
"Whatever, whatever, I do what I want," Snape said. "Besides, your being a student never stopped you or me before."  
  
"That's beyond the point," Draco said, stomping out of the room.  
  
Snape shrugged and climbed up the ladder that just suddenly appeared and disappeared somewhere.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next day, nothing from the past two days (or anything since the begging of the chappie) had happened. Why? Nobody knows. It's one of them unsolved mysteries. :Twilight Zone theme plays:: Snape and Draco made up and went to 'talk' in Snape's office and the didn't emerge at all for the rest of the day. Harry, Ron and Hermione wanted to make a bet with Draco over the Chudley Cannons' next game, but they didn't get the chance because he was still no where to be found. Every one thought he was still 'talking' with Snape, but when they saw Snape at breakfast and no Draco, they started to wonder. They asked Snape where Draco was and he snapped at them for being so worried about him and told them that he didn't know where Draco was.  
  
They soon found out that aliens that were all fans of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and were dancing around singing the Time Warp had abducted Draco. Harry, Ron and Hermione decided to save him and Snape went with them. They were all beamed up to the space ship by some guy named Johnny and found out that Draco was having the time of his life because he liked the Rocky Horror Picture Show, too. They all dragged him back to earth and the aliens left and were never seen again.  
  
The next day, everything that hadn't happened had now happened again. Why? Nobody knows. ::Twilight Zone theme plays:: Draco was now no longer a fan of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and would never liked it again, Snape now had a new found liking of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Harry died of laughter. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
A/N: Well, that's the end of this chappie! Hope you liked it! Please review so that the madness can continue! And if you don't review, the madness will continue, only it will be sent directly to you! You think I won't be able to find you if you don't review? Well, you're wrong! I know who you are! Why? Nobody knows. ::Twilight Zone theme plays::  
  
Oh, yes, and aliens do sing the Time Warp. I know, I've seen them. They're all tall and multi-colored 'cause they forgot to separate themselves from the whites. 


	3. New Year's Party in the Gryfindor Common...

A/N: Oh, geeze. Tip, don't write a fic when you're half asleep. I don't care if it is a challenge. It's still not a good idea. Speaking of challenges, this is for a New Year's Challenge (if you couldn't tell). They gave me a reason to write another chapter to this insanity!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Figure it out yourself. I don't own any of this 'cept maybe the fudge, but that I made myself.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy  
  
Chapter Three: New Year's Party in the Gryfindor Commons!  
  
It was New Year's Eve and every one was ready to party like it was 1999! WHOO! YEAH! CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT! Anyway, so every one was ready to party- hardy and so they did. There were even people there from other houses! Even Slytherin! One that caught every one's attention was Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini. They were on the couch in the corner surrounded by a few other boys and girls from various houses playing a version of spin the bottle because they had nothing better to do than eat the chocolate fudge that had been made by the author.  
  
It was Draco's turn to spin the bottle and Harry (Who has come back to life) watched intently as it spun 'round and 'round. It landed on him. "Alright," Draco groaned, "what do you want me to do?"  
  
And evil grin crept across Harry's face and he leaned in close and whispered something into Draco's ear. Draco looked utterly disgusted, but then shrugged, took a swig of the spiked punch that Fred and George snuck in, and hurried off to do his dare.  
  
He came down half an hour later dressed in a tux and he started to sing and dance. "It's astounding; Time is fleeting; Madness takes its toll. But listen closely...  
  
Not for very much longer.  
  
I've got to keep control. I remember doing the time warp. Drinking those moments when The darkness would hit me  
  
And a void would be calling...  
  
Let's do the time warp again. Let's do the time warp again.  
  
It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. With you're hands on you hips. You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane.  
  
Let's do the time warp again. Let's do the time warp again.  
  
It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me. So you can't see me, No, not at all. In another dimension, With voyeuristic intention, Well secluded, I see all.  
  
With a bit of a mind flip You're into the time slip. And nothing can ever be the same. You're spaced out on sensation. Like you're under sedation.  
  
Let's do the time warp again. Let's do the time warp again.  
  
It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. With you're hands on you hips. You bring your knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust That really drives you insane.  
  
Let's do the time warp again. Let's do the time-warp again."  
  
Draco ended his song and sat down, a smile on his lips as applause exploded in the Common Room. He turned to Harry. "You turn."  
  
Harry spun the bottle.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Fred, George, Angelina Johnson and Lee Jordan were all standing around each other in a corner, very drunk. They were all dressed up for no apparent reason. Angelina was an anime character, (A/N: yes, she watches anime? Why? Nobody knows. It's one of them unsolved mysteries. ::Twilight Zone music plays:: Doodoodoodoo doodoodoodoo doodoodoodoo) San from Princess Mononoke, to be exact, Fred was a dog and George was a cat and Lee was a fluffy pink faerie.  
  
Lee looked around the room and hiccupped, swaying slightly. He shouted out, "I'm so drunk, a Slytherin would look good. See, That Draco lad is looking really fine right now!" George burst in to laughter.  
  
"Are you drunk, Lee?" came Professor McGonagall's voice from the portrait hole.  
  
Lee walked over to her, pointing a finger to her and swaying slightly. "I 'snot," he said, and then he turned around, tripped over his own foot and fell. McGonagall clicked her tongue. "I'm going to have to confiscate the punch." And she did so, walked to a corner, and guzzled it down. Why? Nobody knows. ::Twilight Zone music plays::  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The party went back to normal, and more spiked punch showed up from a never- ending supply in the author's cupboard. Suddenly, Dobby the House Elf rushed in and started to hump Harry's leg. Nobody noticed.  
  
Lee shouted out, "Firewhiskey is good for the soul!" And then he began to dance around and cried out, "I AM A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!"  
  
For some strange reason that no one could explain, a bucket of ice appeared over his head and dumped itself on him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Draco jumped up. "Eureka! I've solved it!" And he ran from the room.  
  
Harry would have said something, but he was busy dying Ron's head purple. After he was done, he said some magic words, "Quiero noveciento pollos por favor!" (A/N: You know, I don't even know what that means. I take French.) and purple fireworks began to explode from Ron's head. They set his hair ablaze and he was again a redhead, but no one paid any attention.  
  
McGonagall jumped up and shouted out, "BY MERLIN, MY POOR SNAPPIE-POO WILL BE ALL ALONE TONIGHT!" She ran from the room, but nobody noticed.  
  
Harry picked up Dobby, who had still been humping his leg, and transported him to a Voodoo Tribe in Africa, which took him for a rare delicacy and ate him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope you enjoyed! 


	4. The Day That Was Only One Minute Long

A/N: Another challenge! Hope you all like this! WEEEEEEEEE!!!! Sorry if you don't like this. If you don't, you can go away and listen to the music of Mraco Dalfoy as I put you on hold. Thank you.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its related characters, situations or blah blah blah. Thank you.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy  
  
Chapter Four: The Day That Was Only One Minute Long  
  
Harry Potter, who was still alive, walked through the halls, very fast. He had less than a minute to make it to Potions, and he was bound and determined to make it there in less than a minute.  
  
It wasn't long, in fact, it was a few seconds later, before he ran into Mraco Dalfoy. "Hey, M- Dalfoy?" he asked, quircking his eyesbrows, cuase he couldn't do just one, which made Mraco Dalfoy feel powerful because he could and Harry Potter could and so he was special and Harry Potter wasn't and he deserved the right to be special and Harry Potter didn't because Harry Potter was not Mraco Dalfoy and that made Mraco feel powerful.  
  
Harry and Mraco looked up at the paragraph above their heads. "Why is this stupid author spelling my name wrong?" Mraco asked. "Hey! It's D. Dra. Draaaaa." Mraco couldn't get the word out of his mouth.  
  
A booming voice filled the hall and said. "Mraco Dalfoy, ("Hey!" Mraco cried angrily) you will now be know as Mraco Dalfoy because the author says so and you are just a character and if you don't cooperate, I-er-she will shave your head!" Mraco screamed and ran away.  
  
Harry just shook his head and hurried down the hall. He still had 30 seconds to get to Potion where Professor Veserus Nsape was waiting for him to be on time or else he'd give him a detention for not being on time and then Veserus Nsape would be happy and feel powerful because he could give Harry Potter a detention and Harry Potter couldn't give him a detention because Harry Potter was not a professor but Veserus Nsape was a professor and there was nothing that Harry Potter could do about it because Harry Potter was indeed just a student and not a professor and so he did not have the power that Veserus Nsape had and so he could not give Veserus Nsape a detention and that was what made Veserus Nsape feel powerful.  
  
Two seconds later: Harry Potter ran into his best buddies who go by the names of Nor Yelseaw and Mhieorne Nggrear who were standing in the hall way for a few seconds before going into the Potions classroom where Professor Veserus Nsape was waiting for them to be on time or else he'd give them a detention for not being on time and then Veserus Nsape would be happy and feel powerful because he could give Harry Potter, Nor Yelseaw and Mhieorne Nggrear a detention and Harry Potter, Nor Yelseaw and Mhieorne Nggrear couldn't give him a detention because Harry Potter, Nor Yelseaw and Mhieorne Nggrear were not professors but Veserus Nsape was a professor and there was nothing that Harry Potter, Nor Yelseaw and Mhieorne Nggrear could do about it because Harry Potter, Nor Yelseaw and Mhieorne Nggrear indeed were just students and not professors and so they did not have the power that Veserus Nsape had and so they could not give Veserus Nsape a detention and that was what made Veserus Nsape feel powerful.  
  
The trio looked up at the sentence above their head and Mhieorne Nggrear ran off screaming, "RUN ON SENTENCE!" Huge sweatdrops appeared over Harry Potter and Nor Yelseaw's heads. They shrugged and entered the Potions classroom and saw the Professor Veserus Nsape was waiting for them to be on time or else he'd-"Alright! We get it!" Harry screamed, attracting the attention of everyone in the room. Harry sunk down into a chair and Nor Yelswaw sat down next to him. There was still 35 seconds before the class started.  
  
"Hold on! Time out!" Harry cried, and time stopped. "I thought, just a few paragraphs ago, that you said that there was 30 seconds left before class started!"  
  
The author of this fanfic that you are reading right now and not later but right now looked back four paragraphs and realized that she, indeed, did say that there was only 30 seconds left before the class started. A booming voice entered the Potions classroom in which all time had stalled and said. "I am the author, Harry Pothead. ("Potter," Harry corrected.) DO NOT INTERUPT ME. ("But Mraco did just." Harry tried) THAT IS BECAUSE I LIKE HIM, POTHEAD! I DO NOT LIKE YOU! YOU ARE A WHINY BRAT WHO HAS DARED TO CORRECT THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY! ("Ooh, you've done it now." came Mraco's voice. He was somehow able to move even though everything else in the entire world had stalled to a complete stop for reasons that no one could explaine other than the fact that he was the author's favorite.) I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier, Mraco." The author apologized.  
  
"'S ok!" Mraco said cheerily!  
  
"Hey, he's not supposed to be cheerful." Harry corrected.  
  
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! DO NOT CORRECT ME, YOU ARROGANT LITTLE SCUM BAG!!!!!" The author yelled, fuming now because of Harry Potter arrogance and the fact that he not only tried to correct HER, but also said that her description of her Mraco-kun.  
  
"He can't be that special if you are spelling his name wrong." Harry said.  
  
"You know why you name is spelled wrong and not right?" The author asked. Harry shrugged, thinking his name was spelled right. "IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE YOU AND YOUR NOT SPECIAL ENOUT TO HAVE A CHANGED NAME! HA! YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH! HAHAHA! GO FLUSH YOURSELF DOWN A TOILET!" Suddenly, a toilet appeared in the room. Time resumed and Harry was somehow pushed into the toilet and flushed down for reasons that no one could explain. Everyone was happy and rejoiced for the next 35 seconds until the class started and the chapter ended.  
  
Chapter End! 


	5. Pigs and Spiders and Scalpels, Oh My!

A/N: Something I wrote last year in my Biology class (I don't like dissections and I feel the same way that Draco and Ron do... ::shivers:: This brings back bad memories, but it NEEDED to be posted... It felt abandoned...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or its related characters, situations or blah blah blah... And no you cannot have the 50 cents to my name... I need it to make a phone call.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy  
  
Chapter Five: Pigs and Spiders and Scalpels, Oh My!  
  
One day, in a normal biology lab, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco found themselves in a group together dissecting a fetal pig. They sat around the table just staring at the pig in the dissection tray before them. Doing nothing, just staring. Finally, after quite a long silence, Draco picked up the instruction sheet and began to read it aloud to them.  
  
"It says we have to use that string," Draco said, pointing to a string on the table next to the tray, "to measure the pig and figure out how old it is." They all stared at him blankly, and Draco stared blankly at the sheet. He looked up and saw them staring at him. "Stop staring at me! I don't know what I'm doing!" Harry scrunched up his face, put on a pair of gloves and picked up the string cautiously, so not to touch the wrinkled pink pig, and then he paused.  
  
"Um, how am I supposed to do this?"  
  
Hermione snatched the instruction sheet out of Draco's hand. Draco growled something at her under his breath. She scanned the sheet. "It says," she said indignantly, "that you have to put one end of the string on the pig's snout, go over its head, down its spine and to the tip of its tail, and then you need to measure the length of the string with a meter stick." (A/N: I memorized the instruction sheet, by the way, because I was holding it in front of my face during the entire lab because I could stand the sight of the pig...)  
  
Harry nodded, still not understanding as much as any of the other what this had to do with age, and he measured the pig and told them that it was 30 cm long. "Now what?"  
  
Hermione glanced down the page again. "It says that the pig is 115 days old."  
  
"More like 115 days dead," Ron said, looking at the pig and scrunching his face up in disgust. Suddenly, a grin spread over his disgusted look and he said, "You know, it sort of resembles Draco."  
  
Draco shot Ron a death glare and Harry snorted back a laugh. "It smells like you," Draco retorted. Ron growled angrily. (A/N: GROWLING IS FUN!!!)  
  
Hermione shook her head in amusement, "You two really need to grow up. Besides, we need to start cutting."  
  
Draco and Ron gulped, looking up at her. "Cutting?" they asked in unison.  
  
"Yes," Hermione said.  
  
"You mean like cutting the pig open and spilling its guts everywhere?" Draco asked, looking a bit frightened, as well as disgusted.  
  
"No, I mean dissecting," Hermione said.  
  
"Same thing!" Ron and Draco said in unison.  
  
"Whatever," Harry said, picking up four pins. He broke the pig's legs and pinned them down. Draco and Ron backed away as far as they could, which wasn't very far at all. Harry picked up the scalpel and began cutting the pig open.  
  
Ron's eyes grew very wide and he threw a hand up to cover his mouth while Draco let out a terrified squeak and flew under the table behind him and covered up his face in his hands.  
  
Hermione shook her head in amazement. "You two act like a couple of first year girls!"  
  
Harry laughed. "You can look, you know!"  
  
"That's perfectly fine, thanks," came Draco's muffled squeak. He crawled out from under the table, careful not to look at the pig, grabbed the instruction sheet and hid the pig from his view.  
  
"Pathetic," Hermione said softly.  
  
"Am not!" Draco and Ron said in unison, glaring at Hermione. They saw the pig. The site of its intestines completely exposed caught their eyes and they gasped (Draco squeaked in terror, actually ;p) and they turned away.  
  
Half an hour passed in silence. Suddenly, Draco stood up, walked calmly to the teacher's desk, mumbled something, and then rushed from the room.  
  
"Where's he going?" Hermione asked.  
  
"When you gotta go, you gotta go," Harry said, half expecting to see a T- Rex run after Draco and eat him.  
  
Ron cut through Harry's happy thoughts. "Actually, the pig's made him sick!" Ron laughed, then stopped suddenly, stood up, rushed to the teacher's desk, mumbled something, and then rushed down the hall after Draco.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Ron ran into the lavatory. He looked around and saw Draco on the floor in the corner hugging his knees to his chest and whimpering. "What's wrong, Dracie-poo?" Ron asked, trying as hard as possible not to laugh.  
  
Draco pointed to the stall in front of him. "Spider," he said, his voice very squeaky.  
  
Ron looked into the stall and, sure enough, there was a black spider on the toilet seat. Ron shrieked and scrambled backwards and onto one of the sinks.  
  
Harry walked in. "What's taking so -What's going on?"  
  
Ron and Draco pointed to the stall and said in unison, "Spider."  
  
"Oh, for the love of Mike!" Harry sighed. (A/N: I love that phrase!) He looked into the stall to see an itty-bitty little ickle baby spider. He squashed it with his thumb and washed his hands and watched as it went down the drain. "There," he said. "I'm going back now." And with that, the brave spider killer left.  
  
Ron and Draco stood up and prepared to leave. Just as they reached the door, they heard a loud rustling. They looked around widely, trying to figure out where it was coming from when all of a sudden a black mass flooded into the room and surrounded them. They grasped each other and screamed, "SPIDERS!" And the screamed some more.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A/N: That's it! Not as funny as my other chapters or chapter six, which is in the making and is probably going to be the longest (can't really say that 'cause I have no idea how long this is going to be anyway) But, I hope you liked this anyway... Sorry, this is something that is really funny to my friends and me 'cause we were there and you weren't so nya-nya-nya-nya- nya! Wait, I think you might be the lucky ones... ::cries:: I'll never be the same again! ::sob sob:: 


	6. The Dobby Project!

Disclaimer: Roses are red, Violets are blue. I own nothing, so be nice and don't sue!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy  
  
Chapter Six: The Dobby Project!  
  
::A booming, ominous voice fills the room::  
  
Long ago (Ok, maybe not THAT long ago) when the poor house-elf, Dobby, worked for the Malfoys at their overly colossal manor in the English countryside, he was treated extremely well, for all the Malfoys had to say about it. They only threatened his life five times a day. That was lower than the minimum suggested! But, nonetheless, you could say that he was treated an itsy bitsy, inky, tiny weenie bit unkindly.  
  
::Harry, Ron and Hermione turn around where they see a brilliant light and are sucked into it::  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione: WHOOOOOOOOOOA!!!!  
  
::Harry, Ron and Hermione find themselves witnessing a scene from long ago...::  
  
Angry voice: DOBBY!!!  
  
Squeaky voice: Yes, oh Great Lord Draco of whom Dobby worships?  
  
Draco: How many times must I tell you!?  
  
Dobby: Tell Dobby what, oh Great One?  
  
Draco: I DON'T LIKE BROTH IN MY CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP!!!  
  
Dobby: ::whimpers and cowers:: Dobby is extremely sorry, Master Draco, Lord of the Dance. It will never happen again!  
  
Draco: It happened once! You let this happen, didn't you!?  
  
Dobby: ::cowers lower:: Dobby is sorry! Dobby is sorry!!!  
  
Draco: ::growls:: Say it.  
  
Dobby: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!  
  
Draco: SAY IT!  
  
Dobby: ::whimpers:: House-elf... ::sniffsniff:: The other white meat...  
  
Draco: ::smiles sadistically:: Right. Now eat your arm.  
  
Dobby: ::nodnod:: ::gnaw gnaw gnaw::  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A few days later...  
  
Draco: DOBBY!!!  
  
Dobby: ::running so fast that he trips:: ::gets up and stumbles into the room:: Yes, oh Master of the Universe?  
  
Draco: You know I don't like to wake up to wrinkled bed sheets, don't you?  
  
Dobby: ::nods cautiously::  
  
Draco: THEN WHY DID YOU LET IT HAPPEN? ::points to wrinkled bed sheets::  
  
Dobby: ::whimper:: Dobby is extremely sorry, oh Lord of All That is Evil.  
  
Draco: You deserve to be punished.  
  
Dobby: ::whimpers and hangs head::  
  
Draco happily grabs Dobby by the skin of his neck and drags him into the Kitchen. He then ties him down on his back on the top of a table and glares at him  
  
Draco: If you blink, I'll kill you.  
  
Dobby: ::doesn't blink::  
  
Draco ::smiles sadistically and disappears through a door::  
  
Dobby: ::allows himself to blink until Draco returns, carrying a sack full of items::  
  
Draco: ::pulls out a small vile or salt and begins to sprinkle in into Dobby's eyes::  
  
Dobby: ::whimpers but refuses to blink::  
  
Draco: ::puts salt away and pulls out a red pepper and begins to squeeze it, letting the juice drip into Dobby's eyes::  
  
Dobby: ::whimpers louder, but refuses to blink::  
  
Draco: ::tosses away the pepper:: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ::pulls out lemon juice and begins to drip it into Dobby's eyes::  
  
Dobby: ::whimpers louder but refuses to blink::  
  
Draco: MUHA-MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ::tosses the lemon juice vile away and pull out a pair of Dragon Hide Gloves and slips them on:: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ::pulls out a Capsasian Pepper (A/N: for all of you who don't know what that is, it's the hottest pepper in the world and can even burn a hole in your stomach! Sorry if that's spelled wrong...Draco is so evil...) and starts to juice it into Dobby's eyes. Unfortunately, at that moment, the cat jumped up, ate the pepper and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Draco glared at the black spot on the ground where the cat had disappeared and pouted:: That darn thing always ruins my fun.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Later...  
  
::Draco returns home. He had a bad last day of school and decides to take his frustration out on Dobby::  
  
Draco: DOBBY! COME HERE!  
  
Dobby: ::flies into the room:: Yes, oh-  
  
Draco: NOT NOW! ::grabs Dobby and starts to beat him to a bloody pulp::  
  
Lucius: ::hears whimpering coming from the drawing room and smiles as he thinks of what horrors Draco could be inflicting upon Dobby. He taught him well. Decides to take a peak and see::  
  
Draco: ::hears Lucius' footsteps and remembers what his father had told him about beating Dobby::  
  
Lucius' voice inside Draco's head: Don't beat Dobby too much. You may get blood on the carpet. If you do, there'll be hell to pay.  
  
Draco: ::looks down to see blood on the carpet:: EEEP! ::opens Dobby's mouth and sticks his hand in it just as Lucius walks through the door:: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HE BIT ME!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I'M BLEEDING! DAAAAAAAAADDDYYYY!!!  
  
Lucius: ::GASP:: ::runs over and pulls Dobby off of Draco and begins to beat him:: YOU GOT BLOOD ALL OVER THE CARPET! ::beat beat beat::  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Later...  
  
Draco: ::skips around school. It's Valentine's Day! Decides to give Ron a spider for a present::  
  
Ron: If anyone gets me a spider, I'll kill them!  
  
Draco: ::thinks... BRILLIANT PLAN!::  
  
Draco: ::runs into the kitchens and shouts sweetly:: DOOOOOOOOOOOOBBY!  
  
Dobby: Y-yes?  
  
Draco: ::hands Dobby a box:: Give that to Mr. Ronald Weasley? Would ya? Would ya? Would ya?  
  
Dobby: ::nods::  
  
Dobby: ::walks up the Gryffindor Tower and slips in. Sees Ron sitting near the fire with Harry and Hermione. Walks over:: Mr. Ronald Weasley! Present from anonymous person!  
  
Ron: Why, thank you! ::takes box, opens it:: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! SPIDER! ::throws spider into the fire:: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS DOBBY???  
  
Dobby: Who? Me?  
  
Ron: YES YOU! ::picks Dobby up and throws him into the fire:: ::looks back into the box to find another box:: ::opens that one to find chocolates and a bear:: OOH! ::runs up to his dorm to eat them::  
  
Herm and Harry: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Draco: HE LIKED THEM! ::watched a singed Dobby crawl out of the fireplace:: OOH! KUNTUCKY FRIED DOBBY! ::laughs evilly::  
  
THE END!!!  
  
Sirius: ::sweatdrop:: I had nothing to do with that... All Author's boyfriend's fault...  
  
Author: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW I CAN RULE THE WORLD! 


	7. Attack of the Maneating Chibis!

Disclaimer: guess..  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy  
  
Chapter Seven: Attack of the Maneating Chibis!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chibi!Harry, chibi!Ron, chibi!Hermione and chibi!Draco all flew into the Great Hall before anyone else. There was no one there! Chibi!Harry was shocked! (A/N: no surprise here!) He looked around, then said, "Hey! There's no one here!" Chibi!Draco growled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'baka', walked over to where chibi!Harry was standing, pulled out a big huge mallet the size of his chibi-self, and began to chase chibi!Harry around the room with it.  
  
Two BIG sweatdrops appear over chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione's heads.  
  
Finally, chibi!Harry and chibi!Draco stop running around ('cause they hungry from all of that running) and sat down to eat. Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione do the same.  
  
They all finish eating a quick meal, and chibi!Harry stands up to confront chibi!Draco (which he would not have done on an empty stomach!) "You're mean!" chibi!Harry said.  
  
"Really?" chibi!Draco said with a sarcastic joy. "You mean, you just now noticed?"  
  
"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Always being mean!" chibi!Harry said. "You know, you're really nothing but a pansy arsed, spoilt, mean, sarcastic, nancing wannabe prissy boy!"  
  
"What did you say?" chibi!Draco said, narrowing his eyes.  
  
Chibi!Harry grinned. "I said you a prissy boy."  
  
Chibi!Draco looked pissed. He stood up and said, "That's it!" He looked up at the chibi!Author. Chibi!Author smiled down upon him. Suddenly, chibi!Draco was NO MORE! He was now BIG!Draco! Laughing, he stepped on chibi!Harry, squashing him like a bug, and killing him. Suddenly, BIG!Draco was once again the cute, adorable, lovable and huggable chibi!Draco!  
  
Chibi!Ron looked at chibi!Draco in amazement. "How'd you do that?" he asked.  
  
Chibi!Draco smiled proudly. "The author loves me!"  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::sweatdrop:: ::scooting away:: ::scoot scoot scoot::  
  
Chibi!Draco: ::laughs evilly::  
  
Chibi!Sevi runs in to find dead!chibi!Harry! He laughs insanely and claps chibi!Draco on the back. "Good job!" he says happily.  
  
Chibi!Draco: ::blush::  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::laugh arses off::  
  
Chibi!Sevi: ::looking around in confusion::  
  
Chibi!Draco: ::face gets redder::  
  
Chibi!Author: ::laughing arse off::  
  
Chibi!McGonigall dressed as a nun runs in, sees dead!chibi!Harry, shrieks and starts praying.  
  
Chibi!Sevi, chibi!Draco, chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::BIG sweatdrops::  
  
Chibi!Dumbledore walking into the room, eating a donut, then walks back out.  
  
Chibi!Fred and chibi!George rush in, see dead!chibi!Harry and start to dance around him like two little chibi!Indians.  
  
Chibi!Harry suddenly comes back to life. Chibi!Draco shrieks and jumps into chibi!Sevi's arms, who yelps and topples over. Chibi!Draco jumps up. Chibi!Harry growls and begins to chase chibi!Draco around the room with a mallet. Chibi!Author growls. Suddenly a bolt of lightning bolt, shaped just like chibi!Harry's scar, strikes chibi!Harry and chibi!Draco s safe once again. Of course, chibi!Harry has died, for the fourth time. YAY! Chibi!Draco is safe!  
  
Chibi!Draco sighs and sits down on the ground. Suddenly, he has a curious little whim. He jumps up and runs from the room. Chibi!Sevi raises and eyebrow, looks over at chibi!nun!McGonigall and smiles sadistically. He creeps over, pushes her, then runs from the room laughing hystarically.  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Chibi!Dumbledore walks into the room, eating a chocolate croissant, and then walks back out again.  
  
Chibi!Draco enters the room again, but this time he's dressed like a hippie. He sees chibi!nun!McGonigall on the ground, shaking her head in confusion. He walks over to her.  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: Awww. He's gonna help the chibi!nun!McGonigall!  
  
Chibi!Draco smiles down at chibi!nun!McGonigall, then pushes her and laughs sadistically.  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Chibi!Ron: Oh! I get it! He's a sadistic hippie! (Figure that one out!)  
  
Chibi!Draco: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Chibi!Draco leaves the room.  
  
Chibi!Lee enters the room dressed as a chibi!Zagato! (from Magic Knight Rayearth!) He sways slightly from drunken-ness. He points and laughs at dead!chibi!Harry and goes over to him. He pulls out his wand and starts to poke him, zapping him each time. Suddenly, dead!chibi!Harry bursts into flames and burns to a cinder.  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::sweatdrops::  
  
(chibi!Author says: Heehee!)  
  
Chibi!Ginny runs into the room, dressed like Sailor Moon. She sees chibi!Lee and shouts, "In the name of Gryffindor tower, Harry Potter, and the Great Goddess of the Wizard World, J.K. Rowling, I will punish you!"  
  
Chibi!Ginny Moon and chibi!Lee fight!  
  
Chibi!Lee gets into his mecha and chibi!Ginny takes off he tiara.  
  
Chibi!Ginny Moon: LION TIARA-MAGIC!  
  
Chibi!Lee: Pulls out his sword and whacks chibi!Ginny Moon with the blunt edge of it.  
  
Chibi!Ginny Moon goes flying across the room.  
  
Chibi!Ginny Moon: ::gasp:: OH NO! I'm not sure I can win this battle! Oh, what shall I do? ::pulls off broach:: LION CRISIS-POWER! ::transformation sequence::  
  
Chibi!Lee: ooooh. She's naked. And she's not wearing any clothes, too! ::frowns:: But, damn dub-ists. They always white out the good parts..  
  
Chibi!Ginny Moon is now SUPER chibi!Ginny Moon!  
  
SUPER chibi!Ginny Moon: ::pulls out wand:: LION GORGEOUS-MEDITATION!  
  
Chibi!Lee: ::dodge:: ::whacks SUPER chibi!Ginny Moon with blunt edge of blade AGAIN::  
  
A black rose streaks through the air and nips chibi!Lee on the cheak. Chibi!Lee looks up to see chibi!Draco in a tuxedo, cape and mask.  
  
SUPER chibi!Ginny Moon: :: Chibi!Tuxedo Draco! My savior!  
  
Chibi!Tuxedo Draco: Mechas only make you bigger, but it's not the size that counts, it's how you use it!  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Chibi!Hermione: I know he likes to roleplay, but why the hell does he have to do it so well?  
  
Chibi!Ron: ::shrugs::  
  
Chibi!Lee: HEY! I can't move!  
  
Chibi!Tuxedo Draco: Now, SUPER chibi!Ginny Moon!  
  
SUPER chibi!Ginny Moon: LION GORGEOUS-MEDITATION!  
  
Chibi!Lee: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ::poof::  
  
Chibi!Tuxedo Draco: ::takes off Tuxedo Karmen costume to reveal leather. Black leather. Ooh:: Alright. enough of that.  
  
Chibi!Ron and chibi!Hermione: ::sweatdrops::  
  
Chibi!Draco: ::getting tired of the sweatdrops:: ::smacks chibi!Ron but not chibi!Hermione:: My mother said never hit a lady. ::looks up and down chibi!Hermione, then smacks her and walks out of the room::  
  
Chibi!Ginny Moon: ::sweatdrop::  
  
********************  
  
A/N: YAY! CHIBIS! ::having so much fun::  
  
Chibi!Sirius: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Chibi!Draco: ::smack::  
  
END! 


	8. The Incredible Movie Caper!

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not even Disney! Sure wish I did though. Do you have any idea how rich I'd be? Man, that's a whole lotta bagels..  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!  
  
By: Liz Swarthy  
  
Chapter Eight: The Incredible Movie Caper!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The readers of this fic that is at this time (which is now) being read, sit before a movie screen. Oooh. They are waiting to watch the most phenomenally cast yet worst directed film of all time, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets! There is cheering as the lights go out and the movie begins. Everyone settles down into their seats, all comfy with their popcorn, just happy to be here and expecting the best out of this movie. Poor fucks. Everyone whoops and hollers as the title flashes on the screen with an overly loud blast of thunderous sound. The next scene starts and everyone hangs on the edge of their seats, waiting intensely to see what mix up in the plot will happen next. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuun!  
  
Draco runs into the Potion classroom, soaked and slightly out of breath. Snape looks at him with concern and, sighing, makes his way over to the pathetic tortured boy. "Draco," he asks, careful not to provoke his wild animal instincts and be eaten alive like the bug he is, "why are you all wet?"  
  
"It's food day!" Draco says impatiently.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Draco sighs and explains to the stupid professor whom he hates so much. "Every two and a half weeks, on Tuesday, of course, I bring Figglewart the Squid a plate of bacon."  
  
"Figglewart is a squid?"  
  
"But today we were out of bacon! So I asked my Daddy what to give him and he said calamari!"  
  
"You asked your father what to feed a squid."  
  
"I can't give Figglewart calamari! Do you know what calamari is?"  
  
"Squid?"  
  
"IT'S SQUID! If I gave Figglewart calamari, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to travel to London to get bacon ('cause Hogsmead didn't have any) 'cause all we have is. IS STINKIN' CALAMARI!" Draco finished, breathing heavily.  
  
"Draco," Snape asked, with super extra care not to unleash his demonic side, as he had seen when Draco had tried to kill Harry and his friends by dressing up spoons to look like them and shoving them in a pickle jar, "why is this so important to you?"  
  
Draco immediately calmed down. "Figglewart controls the weather."  
  
Suddenly, a huge wave washed away Hogwarts leaving only Figglewart hanging on a tree.  
  
The audience looks around in confusion. Suddenly, without and warning at all (boy, doesn't that sound rude!) the scene disappeared and was replaced. WITH A NEW ONE! (betcha didn't see that one coming!)  
  
Harry was running through the fields by the Burrow in an apron, singing: "I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere!" He sat up as he heard a whinny! He turned around to see his Firebolt streaking through the air toward him. "Phillip!" he cried. He grabbed hold of "Phillip"  
  
Suddenly, he noticed. something. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun! "Hey! Where's Ron! Why isn't Ron with you? He's supposed to be awake by now! TAKE ME TO HIM!" Harry hops onto the broomstick and flies off.  
  
Harry soon found himself in front of a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge mansion. gate. There was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig M. on the gate. Harry and his broomstick walked through the grounds to the obvious mansion which belonged to our beloved-  
  
"SHHH! THAT'S A SECRET!" shouted a voice. Harry didn't notice. Instead he walked right into the mansion and out of my trap. Damn.  
  
"Hello! Is anybody home?" Harry cried.  
  
Draco ran by. WITHOUT PANTS!  
  
"Anybody?" Harry tried again.  
  
Draco ran back on stage and off again. WITHOUT PANTS!  
  
Harry stopped. "I'm on a stage? Since when? I was in a field, and then a castle gate and then inside a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig mansion, but never on a stage! When did I get on a stage! I'm not supposed to be on a stage! The stage directions are all wrong!"  
  
Draco ran by again wearing nothing but his shorts on his head, waving his arms around and screaming, "The 'F' word is bad! The 'F' word is bad!"  
  
"And why am I all alone?" Harry continued. "Where is everybody? Even my broomstick left me! And it's all dark in here!" Harry screamed, waving his arms around to show the well lit room. "I haven't seen a single human since this whole damn thing began!"  
  
Draco ran by wearing purple leopard print, stopping only to fix his fro.  
  
"And how did this manor suddenly turn into a stage?!?" A stage light shines down brightly upon him. "Oh, no. I know what your thinking, you stupid author!" GASP! Can you believe the nerve of this guy? "I am not going to-" Harry breaks out into the song, Mecavity, The Mystery Cat.  
  
Draco walks back out wearing a Rum Tum Tugger suit and dances in the background.  
  
Harry finishes his song, which belongs to Andre Lord Webber, so don't sue, and pouts. Draco pounces on his head. Harry shrieks and all the glass everywhere in the world breaks.  
  
*in Aussy accent* Professor Flitwick and Professor Sprout can be seen talking on a balcony! Criky! Let's go see!  
  
"I am not some prize to be won!" Sprout said furiously.  
  
"Damn strait!" Flitwick said.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?" Sprout shouted angrily.  
  
"Y-you're right!" Flitwick said quickly. "You're not some prize to be won."  
  
"That's right! Now, why don't you just- just jump off a balcony, ok?" Sprout turned her back to the short professor.  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
"I'm upset with you! Go away!" Sprout shouted over her shoulder.  
  
"Fine!" Flitwick said, sounding hurt. "I will jump off some balcony!" He turned around and climbed up the railing, with some difficulty, and then he stepped off.  
  
Sprout gasped. "NOOOO!"  
  
"What?" Flitwick said, his head popping up over the railing.  
  
"How- did you do that?" Sprout asked.  
  
"What? This?" Flitwick motioned at himself. "It's the books!" Sprout looked over the railing to see Flitwick standing on a ridiculously high stack of books. Suddenly, Flitwick was back on the balcony. "Would you like to take a ride on my broomstick?"  
  
"Oh!" Sprout slapped him.  
  
"It's just my mode of transportation." Flitwick whined.  
  
"Oh, ok!" Sprout said cheerfully.  
  
"Cor!" Flitwick said, jumping out and pulling a Nimbus 2003 out of nowhere. The two professors climbed onto the broom and soared up into the crystal clear sky. They went on a tour of Europe and burst into spontaneous song. A WHOLE NEW WOOOOOOOORLD!  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Somewhere in the savannah, Draco was lost. "Damn," he swore, and then he fell (because the script told him to) and was surrounded by massive man- eating canaries.  
  
Ron smiled.  
  
Suddenly, Harry and Ron showed up (Ron carrying Harry on his shoulders) and chased off the canaries. Harry and Ron have been living together in the desert after being shunned from the rest of the world. But we'll get to that later. Harry tried climbed off Ron's shoulders, but fell instead, and sighed. "Whose idea was it to give a group of cannibals Canary Crèmes?  
  
"Mine!" George said cheerily, munching on a toffee as he skipped past.  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Why'd I even ask?"  
  
"Oh, Harry!" Ron said as he spotted Draco on the ground, covered in dust and looking very sexy, which pleased the Author more than you could possibly know. "You'd better come look. I think it's still alive!"  
  
Harry cringed and scrunched up his face. "So what've we got here?" He moved the hand to get a better view of Draco's face. "Oi! It's a Malfoy!" He ran back and jumped on Ron's back, making Ron buckle over. He rolled off and climbed back on as Ron got up, tugging at his shirt. "Run, Ron! Run!  
  
"Hey, Harry. It's just a little Malfoy." Ron said, looking up at Harry then back at Draco, who was still adorable in his dirtiness. "He's so cute and all alone!" Harry cringed. "Hey! It's in the script." Ron said defensively before going back to the scene. "Can we keep 'im?  
  
"Harry grabbed his ear and nearly yelled into it. "Are you nuts? You're talking about a Malfoy here! Malfoy's kill guys like us!"  
  
"But he's so little."  
  
"He's gonna get bigger."  
  
"Maybe he'll be on our side!"  
  
Harry laughed. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Maybe he'll be. Hey! Wait a minute," he paused. "What if he's on our side?" Harry looked as though he had just tripped upon the most brilliant idea ever to enter his brain. "Y'know, having a Malfoy on our side might not be such a bad idea," he said, while climbing back on Ron's back.  
  
"So' we're keepin' 'im?" Ron said cheerfully while picking Draco up in his arms. Draco happed to be as light as a feather, just to Ron wouldn't buckle under the weight. Isn't that convenient?  
  
"Pshh. Of course, who's the brains of this outfit?"  
  
"Uh." Ron looked as if thinking was the hardest thing he had ever done in his entire life.  
  
"My point exactly. Geeze, I'm fried," Harry said, whipping some sweat from his forehead. Ron grunted. "Let's get out of here and find some shade."  
  
When they were in the shade and by a conveniently placed waterhole, they splashed Draco with some water, making him look even sexier as they woke him up. He had actually fallen asleep while the two had been chatting. He groaned as his eyes fluttered open.  
  
"You OK, kid?" Harry asked.  
  
"Like hell I am." Draco said, pushing himself into a sitting position.  
  
"You nearly died. I save you!" Harry said. Ron elbowed him hard in the side. "Well, Ron helped." Ron smiled. "A little.  
  
"Thanks for your help," Draco said sarcastically. He got up and started to walk off.  
  
"Hey! Where're you going?" Harry asked.  
  
"Nowhere," Draco answered, starting off with his hands in his pockets.  
  
When he was out of earshot, Harry turned to Ron and said, "Gee, he looks blue."  
  
"I'd say pale and blonde!" Ron said excitedly as he showed off his intellect.  
  
"No, I mean he's depressed."  
  
"Oh." Ron's expressing turned to one of sympathy. Ron and Harry quickly caught up with the whistling Draco, who frowned at they're approach. "Kid, what's eatin' you?"  
  
"Nothing! He's at the top of the food chain!" Harry laughed at his own joke and whipped at tear from his eye. "The food chain." Harry's laugh died when he saw that no one else was laughing with him. "So. where're you from?"  
  
"Who cares? I can't go back." He stared at his nails, frowning when he saw one was chipped.  
  
"So. you're an outcast!" Harry said. Draco glared at him as if Harry had just said the most insulting thing on the planet. "That's great! So are we!" Harry gestured to Ron and himself.  
  
"So, what'd you do, kid?" Ron asked.  
  
"Oh, I joined the Death Eaters, killed my own father and became filthy stinkin' rich!" Draco beamed with pride. Harry and Ron just stared. Then Draco's grin turned to a frown as he said, "And then that stupid idiot of a Dark Lord had to get himself killed. My reputation had absolutely gone to the birds, especially after I had killed all those other people. It was six feet under and there were a whole lot of others that would have seen me go down with it." Harry and Ron blinked. "So, I had to get out. I left Dumbledore to become high king and everything was fine. Until those hyenas from the Ministry came in and repossessed everything I had, blaming it on back taxes. So what if I'd skipped a few years? But, I was left high and dry and nowhere to go. So one day I took a stroll in Muggle town called Hollywood, thank whatever high spirits rule the universe that they didn't break my wand in two, so I could still Apparate, and I ran into this guy named Steven Spelberg. Who in they're right mind would name some poor kid Spelberg, eh?" Harry and Ron looked at one another and shrugged. "But, anyway, he told me that I was perfect. And of course I was! Who could possibly be more perfect than I?" Harry and Ron kept staring. "So, I struck the lead role in this flick and I think that's about it.  
  
"Well." Harry started. "I was never accepted as an Auror and I got all depressed and such and Ron here." He leaned forward. "He has this problem with his bowels."  
  
Draco snorted. "Like I care. 'Bye!" And with that, he left.  
  
Ron looked at Harry. "I don't think that was in the script."  
  
Harry frowned." I know! And we didn't even get to the musical number that is supposed to make this film so catchy!" he whined.  
  
And so, now that we have all leaned a very valuable lesson, we come to the ending credits. Some catchy music plays while we see Draco plotting.  
  
A though bubble floats over Draco's head, turning the edges of the image of Voldermort that was floating there into a pretty purplish haze. "I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box. And then I'll put that box in another box. Then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, I'll smash it with a hammer! MUHAHAHAHAHAH!" He smashes a potion vile in his excitement. A poison, to be exact on what kind of potion. "Or, to save on owl treats, I could just poison him."  
  
We zip forward. ZIP!  
  
Crabbe walks in. Draco pulls him aside. "Do you have the poison?"  
  
Crabbe looks blank for a second. "The poison?" His expression brightens. "Oh! The poison! The poison for Voldie! The poison specially chosen to kill Voldie! Voldie's poison! That poison?"  
  
Draco put his head in his hands. "Oh boy."  
  
THE END!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
All quotes are from Disney films, if you haven't already figured that out already. But, I'll list them anyway for the slower people who are not true Disney fans like I am and cannot quote almost every single one of them without missing a single line. You should see me with The Lion King!!!!  
  
In order of appearance:  
  
Lilo and Stitch Beauty and the Beast (Sort of.) Aladdin The Lion King And finally. Emperor's New Groove!  
  
So, I hope you enjoyed this little tid bit of insanity! Review, pretty please! With a cherry on top? And a spoon full of sugar? 


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